Chronic illness: What kind of fighter will you be?

Yesterday I did something incredibly irresponsible I did something I know triggers me and I kept pushing my limit until I got miserably sick. It was a buildup of things, mentally and physically.  Mentally I’ve been on Instagram more often, (ugh broke my own rule!) I’ve been reconnecting with old friends from middle school; I became disabled in the last month of 8^th grade. I was seeing all these people….. All of them pursuing jobs, moved off to different cities/states for college, buying cars, going clubbing and to concerts, taking road trips…. Doing the things I wanted to do…. It was so much to take in and I got a case of the “Why me’s?”  Why was it that they grew up to be functioning able adults and I didn’t? What is the point of all of this?  I tried not to throw a pity party but I’d already signed the guest list. Social media is more often than not where people only put the good moments in life. They could be going through something awful and I wouldn’t even know it.  At the time I didn’t think about that, a few days later (yesterday) I wanted to do something nice for myself, give myself a little pampering. 

I had a spa day then after resting from post-bath fatigue I put on makeup, took some selfies and mirror pictures, and coincidentally I’d forgotten to eat something substantial.

For me this is a recipe for disaster, I can’t move my face too much during makeup because it triggers facial migraines, I also can’t serve too much face in selfies because of the same reason; and werking that camera making too many I’m feeling myself & look back at it poses puts major strain on my neck. Also I basically die when I don’t eat regularly…. I usually put timers on my phone to remind me to eat because ever since I got chronic conditions I don’t seem to feel hunger until it’s too late and I don’t have enough spoons to prepare food. It’s weird, but other spoonies told me they have the same issue so that makes it normal aha. 

 Anyways, I ignored the alarms for what reason I couldn’t even tell you and that the easiest thing to make wasn’t filling. It all ended up being a big concoction of “what the f*** are you doing” and I got super nauseas, dizzy, fatigued and was in pain… But I kept going and going and going….. Which is something utterly out of character for me, since 1 year ago I’ve been slowing down and respecting my limits and I was proud of myself for not constantly overdoing it and feeling overtly guilty for taking it slow.

There was just something about seeing all my old classmates doing what I wanted to do that triggered me, I wanted to believe that if I kept persevering and doing what I wanted to which was take sexy snapshots LOL.  My body would just give in and stop being defiant, because it’s supposed to be MY body.

 Nope.

  I started gagging and I threw up 4 times and had to spend roughly 6 hours in bed before I felt near my baseline, even then I still felt worn out.  It was horrible, I felt miserable and it was in the milder neighbourhood of when the symptoms are so strong it’s your whole world, you can’t think of anything else and nothing else matters you just want it to stop. & nothing would stop it, not heat, not ice, not massage, not medication, not a nap, nothing....

Then it dawned on me, I always see these articles from chronic illness bloggers on how we shouldn’t “fight” our illnesses. I never understood it.

My definition of fighting is trying to create the best life you can, finding ways around your limitations and making regular choices to benefit your health. To me that’s fighting, but then it dawned on me that what they meant was not doing what I did yesterday - being stubborn and going against your limitations for no real gain. What they mean is you can’t live by “No pain No gain” when you live in pain every day. What I did yesterday was fighting, but it wasn’t efficient or positive fighting, it was negative and detrimental fighting.

Despite yesterday I only go against limitations if it’s for something or someone I care about and if it’s important.  I see a lot of negative fighting with chronic illness warriors especially when it first happens and it’s totally understandable, it’s hard. You just want it to stop and you want to feel like if you clack your feet three times and say “I just want to be healthy” it’ll just disappear….. But it doesn’t, we have to live with it and make the best out of life that we can.

Negative fighting happens when we don’t ask for help even though we need it, it happens when we need assistive technology or mobility devices and we go without because we feel like it’s “giving up” on some level. Negative fighting happens when we try too hard to keep the pace with healthy people and we plunge into physical debt/social hangovers. Negative fighting happens when we know that we are making life harder by not accepting what is happening. 

Acceptance is not giving up, not by a long shot. If anything acceptance is the greatest thing that allows us to move forward and make the best out of what we have.  Acceptance is a part of positive fighting or living more harmoniously with our bodies. Whichever saying you prefer, it’s all the same and they both lead to a better life…. One just sounds more bad ass (;

So my fellow warriors,

     

Don’t make things more challenging than they need to be. It’s easier said than done because the guilt and other negative emotions can be overwhelming but it takes time. Slow down, it’s okay. You’re not lazy, you’re not useless, you’re not pathetic, you’re not overreacting, you’re not a burden and it’s not your fault.

- xoxo Rad