The poisonous guilt of chronic illness & inactivity.

I was surfing Instagram when I found my friends boyfriends profile and I was shocked. His boyfriend was a performer and while he’s not big time famous he was somewhat up there and has on one of those talent shows like American idol or x factor, I forget which one. Anyways, I was really shocked then I became really low. I was happy for my friend for meeting someone who makes him happy and that he’s openly o now but I started reevaluating myself needlessly.

 I thought to myself…. Wow look at my friend, we’re out of high school for a few years and he’s dating someone whose on his way to fame , he’s doing so much with his life and I am stuck in my house and in my bed and I really don’t do much.

  I started feeling like I was a total loser,

 like I made choices that led me here.

 Like I was wasting my life.

 Like I wasn’t trying hard enough when I’ve given it more than my all. Then I had a huge case of fomo, I felt like.

   

"Wow, maybe if I was able to go outside regularly I could meet people like that who have interesting lives too."

  I was feeling really down about everything then reality gave me an enormous kick in the face.  I was sitting in the living room and I got a very short seizure aura. I rushed to my room to get my MMJ (As fast as someone can rush when they have the pace of a turtle lol) I thought I would have more time but my face was already ticking. My auras usually last a few minutes before the episode but by the time I’d gotten to my bed I was having violent convulsions. My chronic migraine and seizures often feed off of each other so after the convulsion I was left with this debilitating pain, fatigue, and nausea.  This was within the first 3 hours I’d woken up, and this isn’t even abnormal, yes the seizure was a bit worse than usual but I generally get very sick either when I wake up or within the first 3 hours of waking up. Truth be told I spend well over half my time maybe 88% of my time sick as hell or heavily medicated. I often have to take a medical bag with me wherever I go even if thats the living room. I don’t usually find myself bored because there’s always something happening.

It hit me that this isn’t my fault in any way shape or form.  It’s becoming more and more clear to me how much it isn’t my fault lately. I’ve been realizing that chronic illness doesn’t put you behind in life; it puts you on a completely different path - all you can do is give it your best.

 I once saw someone refer to it as taking the scenic route in life, and I agree because you don’t get to hike up the mountains, you don’t get to touch the leaves or the water very much - without better health you can only watch everyone else do it. 

There are so many reasons we feel guilt, and the craziest thing is how easy it is to validate someone else’s struggle but feel like yours isn’t valid. I would never tell someone in my position that this is their fault or that they haven’t tried hard enough and honestly if there is some panacea solution out there that it’s not their fault that they missed it. 

Society accepts short-term illnesses and injuries but not long term/irreversible ones. They think if you haven’t put some dirt in it and walked off then you’re just not trying hard enough. I’ve honestly had someone ask me if I’ve tried taking medication. They can’t fathom that some illnesses aren’t curable and even the toughest of the tough cannot shake it off. They blame it on you because they don’t want to accept their own mortality and they believe that disabled people always “overcome” it with some heartwarming inspirational story when these stories are the exception to the rule.  Don’t give anyone who thinks like this and isn’t open to questioning their ignorance the time of day. They will continue to wear you down. Being chronically ill is hard enough; it is not your fault. Recite that like a mantra.

P.S: Sorry that I've been sparse with posting!

Xoxo - Rad